Battlefield of Self

Last week, I was a guest at a relationship forum and one of the things I ensured to make reference to was “self-love”.

You can’t expect others to show you love if you aren’t pouring it into yourself first. You won’t even know your worth — sounds like “konga to jin” (deep well). You go just turn beggi beggi of “ajeku” (left over)!

For example, one of my love language is gifting. So when stress hits, I treat myself to something sweet. There was even a time I was gifting myself back to back every month — stress wan kpai me that time. It could be something as simple as a new charger or a nice wristband — the price tag didn’t matter, the thought did. Don’t always wait for someone to do it for you — treat yourself how you want to be treated.

Also, I’ve noticed something similar about people who lack self-love. It’s like a pattern — people who “Odeshi” (easily chest) toxicity. They have a special ability to stay somewhere they’re unwanted, and hold on to half-baked love like their life depends on it.

They’re the ones who’ll go above and beyond for everyone else, but can’t seem to do the same for themselves. They can hurt themselves to please other people and can do anything for validation. They’re sometimes the perfect definition of “you no dae shame” because they’re completely oblivious to their own worth. They lack self-love, so how do they recognize someone’s unloving attitude towards them as red flag?

The truth is, when you fail to prioritize self-love, life will teach you how to settle for “ajeku” (left over). You’ll find yourself stuck in situationships, convincing yourself over and over that the shit you’re being served is better than nothing.

For love languages, gifting is not the only one we have. Find yours and start working towards it. Some people’s love language is “Words of Affirmation” but they don’t even know how to compliment themselves. If yours is “Quality Time”, try it out with yourself too — you can’t immerse yourself in work and expect someone’s child to create time for you. You can’t claim your love language is “Receiving Gifts” and you’re busy going from status to status screaming “God when”, when you can start by gifting yourself. Or Physical Touch but you don’t even have time to take care of your body — “ounje ni bi alafise” (“food monger’ as a Naija abuse and not the actual meaning), you can’t prioritize self care that won’t make people feel uncomfortable hugging you. Your love language is “Acts of Service” but you’re too lazy to run errands for yourself. Start by loving yourself how you want to be loved.

So, take it from me — start anyhow small, show yourself some love. Identify your love language and speak it to yourself. Gift yourself something today, even if it’s just a few minutes of peace and quiet. Trust me, your future self will thank you.

Till I’m back to stir the drink, stay gbam!